Since the beginning of time family members have had conflicts. The "First Family" had two sons named Cain and Abel. "Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. "In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. But Abel brought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering with favor, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain became very angry, and his face was downcast. Then this your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it. "Now Cain said to his brother Abel, 'let's go out to the field. And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him." Genesis 4:3-8
Why did Cain kill Abel? Because Cain was unwilling to give up his jealous anger and sin established itself. What sin in your life are you unwilling to let go? Here's what I had to do in my twenties. This may sound odd to most but I had to forgive God for putting me in a dysfunctional family that seldom spoke. It wasn't my parents or brothers fault. It was simply the way the cards were dealt.
I had to forgive my Dad for getting sick on us. Dad didn't expect to have a stroke in his 40's but it happened. Dad knew how to hunt, fish and golf while being an excellent bookkeeper and salesman. My selfish side felt learning from him during a crucial part of my life had been stolen. It pissed me off my friends had Dads doing these things with them and teaching them to be men. It took years but I dealt with it and began to see it as an advantage. How? It allowed me to relate to those that experienced similar childhoods.
My Mom needed to be forgiven for not meeting my bride until our wedding day. That sucked but no woman would have been good enough for her "baby boy." Regardless, in time I forgave her and asked God to forgive me for harboring the resentment and bitterness that enjoys "hanging out" with unforgiveness. And I'm happy to say that Jill, Brette, Chase and my love for "Nonnie" grew deeper while she lived with us for 7 years until the age of 90. Her love for us grew too and it was a blessing her granddaughters got to spend quality time with her. Mom even apologized to Jill for being hard on her in the beginning and told her she loved her. In the end, Jill and Mom became very close. Mom LOVED living with us and was rarely sick with the exception of poor circulation in her legs. She didn't get the flu, pneumonia, colds and became more positive as days passed by. Her dementia worsened but her attitude was positive and grateful.
Unfortunately, at the age of 90, her doctor and I decided it was time to move her to a nursing facility. So in October of last year, she and I flew to Dallas where she lived out her final 3 months on earth in a skilled nursing facility within a mile from my brother. Initially she did well but her health declined quickly and went to be with the Lord in early January. She didn't suffer. It was just her time to go. We all miss her smile.
What made the difference in getting over these negative and destructive emotions? It was forgiveness. I'm currently dealing with some people that are very angry with me due to comments made on previous blogs. Sad thing about it is these people hadn't spoken to me in years or if they did it was brief and superficial. When times became tough for my family and me not a peep was heard from any of these individuals. But say one thing that offends them and the gates of Hell open.
I find it sad but have already forgiven them. I realize they're feeding off lies from unreliable sources and didn't have the guts to discuss their concerns with me (the source). The days of coming together and voicing our concerns in a civil manner appears to be a lost art. It's much easier to speak falsehoods with others rather than talking directly to the accused. Gossip, manipulation, jealousy, hatred, resentment, arrogance and an unwillingness to forgive have destroyed families at a faster clip than a rocket shooting into space. Why? Because we (I) no longer talk. We (I) text, email, chat but face and phone time has dwindled so the emotion of the conversation is lost along with being able to look into a person's eye and listen to what they need to say. Sitting down gives the accused the opportunity to explain their side of the story which allows the accuser to gather all the information and make an intelligent decision on who to believe.
Unfortunately, those days seem to be gone. It's so much easier to accuse from afar, hold a grudge (sometimes forever) or never speak to the individual. I've had the opportunity to be a salesman, recruiter, supervisor, manager, director, president and CEO. I learned the best way to resolve a conflict was to meet with the individual behind closed doors and let them air their frustrations and/or differences then work on a solution. Most employees hated the confrontation but the method proved effective. Yes, it's difficult but it's the best way to handle heal and restore relationships. Unfortunately, relationships don't seem to matter much these days.
Let me emphasize, I've been the accuser too and all it did was eat me up inside. I've gossiped, resented, hated, lied, etc..... I still have not forgiven certain people but am working on it daily. How? Asking God to help me forgive even though my flesh keeps saying, "to hell with them." However, I've learned the more I practice forgiveness the more freedom I receive. Forgiving someone doesn't mean I need to become their friends or even talk. It means I need to let it go because it will only kill me. If I can make amends then I'll do it. Otherwise, I'll continue to ask God to forgive those that hurt me and to forgive myself for the roll I played. Most importantly, forgiving is hard because Pride gets in the way and I want to be right. This requires humbling myself and leaving out the "but you did........" I'm a high D personality and giving an inch can be a challenge. James 4:10 says, "Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will exalt you." Exalt you? What does that mean? It means the burden will be lifted and growth will occur. Try it and get back to me.
Gossip on the other hand was a cancer and contagious. It had to be nipped quickly and at times that meant removing the source.
Adios for now,
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